Another sleepless night.

Well, its not that I am not feeling tired or sleepy. I know that once I hit the sack I will be snoring away. Worrying thoughts keeping me awake. These thoughts almost forcing me to stay awake to worry and think them through. Almost forcing me to take a resolution or find a solution. Why do I make my own life miserable like this?

Looks like this blog is going to be a vent for my frustrations.

There is something missing in my life. Sometimes I think I know what it is. Sometimes I know what it is. Sometimes I have no clue. But there is a void.

Work is frustrating because there are a lot of expectations but not enough support coming from places where it should. Does that makes sense?

On the personal front, things are not that bad. But the uncertainity is killing me. Will we? Won't we? If we don't, then what's the plan? What am I leaning towards? I don't know. It's not like there is someone other waiting for me with open arms. Sometimes I wish there was. Is that so wrong?

What keeps me awake at night?

Anxiety. Disappointment. Dread. Fear.

I know I will fall asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.
Yet I pace, I watch TV, I listen to music, I surf, I chat.
I do anything but let my eyes close.

For months I had a tiny 3 gallon aquarium stashed away on the floor of my linen closet. I knew I wanted fish but did not know when. The gerbils were a handful and I was not sure if I could handle having another mouth to feed, however small their mouths may be.

(Plan B: Set up a little terrarium)

Three months ago I gave away my little gerbils - cage, feed & barrel. My nose thanked me for clearing up the air. A week later I found myself at the nearest Petco staring at Oscars, Goldfish, Bettas, Loaches, Mollies...and clownfish, starfish, blowfish.

A marine aquarium would have burnt a crater-sized hole in my microscopic wallet and so deciding to buy freshwater fish was almost a no-brainer. Zeroed in on Neon Tetras & Guppies - 3 each. The Petco Guy threw in free ugly pond snails. Woohoo!

Three months later I keep buying fish & they keep dying on me. They are live & kicking ... erm ... swiming for the first few weeks and then one morning I discover them covered in white spots. A few days later snail food. Belly up at the bottom of the aquarium.

I went to a different pet store today and picked up 6 small fish. I hope they have better luck.

Here's the tally so far -
Death Count: 5 Neon Tetras & 5 guppies
Survivors: 1 Neon Tetra & 3 Ugly Snails
Newborns: An infestation of Baby Snails & Eggs
New Additions: 4 Rosy Red Minnows & 2 Chinese Algae Eaters (Small)

Here I am curled up in front of the TV, with my laptop perched on my knees.

What have I achieved today?
Personally...not much.
Professionally...hmm..not much there too.

I wonder if I am simply going to let life pass me by. May be today was just a bad day.